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May. 15th, 2005 @ 03:13 pm Incoherent Ranting Selfishness.
Current Mood: Momentarily Bug Nuts
Current Music: 80's Hair Band
Is it ok that it makes me angry to be losing the ability to have children, when I had already decided I didn't want any more? What is it? I was prepared to have my tubes tied, was only waiting on insurance approval. I have three beautiful children. That logical part of my brain that tries to maintain control tells me that I am being silly, that it is really just a confirmation of my choice. Yet the rest of me, the part of me that is slightly bat shit crazy sees it as a choice taken. It feels like the universe doesn't trust me to make the right decisions on my own. Bugger. I am not really bug nuts. I indulge in the feeling from time to time as I am currently sober, and not having sex. Not by choice the second, that would be the health crap leading to this rant. I am feeling incredibly self indulgent and pissy. I understand all the other stuff. Like people who cannot have children and I have been very fortunate. Or maybe that people go years without having sex, and how lucky I am my partner indulges me so much under normal circumstances. All this is in there somewhere...and for this moment. I don't care, I am still mad, and I hate that. There are so few things in life that I want for me. I don't care about stuff. I don't care about position, or notoriety or any of that other crap. I just want to make my own mistakes and choices, have a healthy family, and sex. I never thought that to unreasonable. Maybe I was wrong, and my priorities are just buggered. Whatever. I am done now.
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memories
May. 8th, 2005 @ 10:33 am Bad Poetry
Current Mood: old and broken

Broken GlassRead more...Collapse )

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sometimes
May. 6th, 2005 @ 12:49 pm Poison
Current Mood: Iffy
Current Music: Silence
The poison is working again,
Woke to your taste on my tongue,
The feel of your skin under my hands,
Your smell.
I didn't believe.
I didn't believe.
I didn't believe!
I was stronger!
I was wrong
You still live in here
Making me burn,
Filling me with need.
Filling me with your taste.
Another part dies.
The last thing I see,
Your empty eyes.
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memories
Apr. 30th, 2005 @ 03:29 pm Today's horoscope
Current Mood: smirky
Current Music: electric whirring
The devil and the deep blue sea -- take your pick. Under most unusual circumstances, you may bump into someone today who seems to be a representative from both -- and within days, oddly enough, they'll manage to find a place in your heart. Be ready. Be ready for their company, and be ready to feel the need to make a decision quickly. Good luck, no matter what you
choose.
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sometimes
Apr. 28th, 2005 @ 02:22 pm Still
Current Mood: quiet
Spent time in wonderland today. Nice trip. Came back home to thunder shaking the house. I love it. It was a good adventure. I am tired, but at least I finally slept last night. Tied in knots, mind doing amazing feats of acrobatics, and it was all finally still. He pushes me, stretches me, and I like the pain. I felt it last night. It hurt in ways that I haven't in a long time. He still worries though. The questions are still on the table, the answers are under development, and I slept like the dead.

Ran enough power last night to produce static charge in my hair. My oiled skin went dry. Probably a good sign. He charged me first. Maybe that is part of what I miss. I pulled the power out, listened to the sound of neighborhood dogs going nuts. Storm came in, could have been tapping that. All of us tapping the same rush, makes things a bit odd. Still it was a rush. It hurt. I was worth it. Still need to tap the more raw powers. Rediscover the old control I used to have. Wild power is only useful in stories.

Still working on deciding on her. That is why I went down the rabbit hole to begin with. Makes things change, no matter what people say. I would like to say it wouldn't make a difference to me, but I am not curious. I miss it. One night and then it would be gone again. I don't know if I can do that or not. Honesty with this is hard. I love him. I don't know what it all means. Love hurts sometimes.
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forward
Apr. 27th, 2005 @ 07:58 pm Daydream
Current Mood: quiet
Saw her today.Read more...Collapse )
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memories
Apr. 27th, 2005 @ 12:53 pm Any takers?
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): If I were going to write a fairy tale about the
current state of your life, I would say that your stolen treasure is locked
away in a heart-shaped metal box at the top of a glass mountain. You
have every right to steal it back, but you haven't been able to get to it.
The surface of the mountain is too slippery for you to climb. In the next
chapter of the fairy tale, you will encounter an elf or dwarf or witch who
has a pair of special shoes with suction cups that could allow you to scale
the peak. But you will have to give something in return for those shoes.
And here's the tricky part: The elf or dwarf or witch may not tell you
exactly what he or she wants; you might have to guess.
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sometimes